Preglow

Maybe I should change my profile picture to this? Or maybe not--if it were a real representation, I'd just look chunky, not pregnancy glow-ish...

I'm so excited to be pregnant. And it's wierd. I mean, I am so stressed with only 2 sometimes--how will I handle 3? And 2 were getting so easy. Wierd to think of tossing the old clothes and packaging up the crib. And now to start over?

I'm excited for the new baby smells. The little grunts and flexing of the hand at seemingly random intervals. I love the closeness of a newborn and--I know I'm weird--I love being at the hospital. Just drinking in the new babyness of it all. I was looking at Lil Jr's baby book with him tonight and all those magical feelings of those first few hours came back and I got anxious to get to that point again.

And so far, no vomitting, so that's pretty huge. As far as how I feel, that is. As far as gender-guessing, whatever: I barfed non-stop for nine months with Mr B, but barely did at all with Lil Jr. I sort of feel like it will be another boy, but it would be fun if it's a girl. The Spouse wants a girl--our boys are quite a handful. I'd like either. Just healthy. Strong. And smart, like it's Mama. :)

Baby

I'm not sure what to write. I'm still in shock. A little.

When we got married, I said I wanted 6 kids. That number has dwindled since having 2, but it is still in the back of my mind to have a passel of kids. (Can 3 count as a passel?) Anyway, The Spouse has been very negative about having any more than 2. Really. He has made some pretty lame comments which I will not repeat for fear of not getting past them and on to the happiness of later news.

I tried to reconcile myself to 2. At times, I was in fact quite convinced that having any more than 2 would surely upset the fragile balance of my mental state and that it would be completely irresponsible of me to do that to the world.

It probably still is.

But there is this undeniable call to motherhood that I am finding impossible to ignore. I think about it day and night. I have really tried SO HARD not to talk to The Spouse about it at all because I know it's not fair of me to pressure him. I certainly don't want a baby with anyone who doesn't want one with me. I wouldn't do that to any child. And yet, I don't think it's fair that he pressure me not to have a baby either. I've been agonizing over it for months.

Last night, after finally breaking my vow of silence on the subject because my emotions were completely bubbling over and I was compelled to give them a voice--he rolled over and said, "Fine! Let's have a kid! Now can I get some sleep?!"

...

Not exactly the response I'd been looking for, but a move in the right direction. I'll spare the details of the next half hour of figuring things out, but suffice it to say, we are going to try for another baby. And I am stoked.