Hold on a Minute

I don't know if I can play on this team anymore.

I consider myself athletic. I've played sports all my life--focusing on one sport, but dabbling here and there with pretty successful results. I'm competitive for sure, but not agro. I know where to draw the line.

But WOW. If you are not at least COMPETENT in one skill in a sport, you should not be allowed to play. If I don't have even one consistent skill down, I'm not interested in playing. You don't see me out there on the hockey rink or running around playing tennis (seriously, it would be bad). Messin' around with friends, ok. Competitively? I know my limits.

Some girls on my church volleyball team don't. I'll pony up right now and admit that I am the worst offender as far as encouraging everyone to play. Up until now, I thought that was for the best. That's the awkward thing about church sports--finding a balance between being competitive and being Christ-like. Everyone should feel the bonding that occurs in any church activity. It should be a place to meet, socialize, exercise, whatever.

But I realized tonight that as far a sports are concerned, the only way that you can achieve that balance is if everyone is truly on the same playing level. Sure, you tell people to, "No one cares if you're good! Just come--the more the merrier." But really, is it? Because if she is just a warm body on the court and the rest of your team is genuinely trying to succeed, and she is actually worse than just a warm body because a warm body wouldn't shank the ball off into Neverland over and over and over, and then just keep chuckling over how crazy it went. We all send the ball into orbit now and then, but seriously, every time?!

I believe in playing for fun, that's not what I'm saying. Chuckle now and then. Get a little crazy. Play even if volleyball isn't your first sport, or second or third. I don't believe in hurtling verbal abuse at the other team or getting upset with your team or yourself to the point of being no fun to be around. People who get angry and stalk off the court or throw tantrums are ridiculous and should also have a rule made banning them. I'm talking about people who have no athletic bone in their bodies. Not a one.

So here's my solution. If only we could do it! Make this announcement:

"So, ladies, we have our next sport starting up next month--basketball! We know a lot of you are interested in playing, so to make it fair, we are going to host a basketball clinic on this day. If you feel like you need some pointers or just want to brush up, attend the clinic. Then, when basketball comes around, those who have mastered the basic skills of the clinic will be assigned to teams."

Something like that. I mean, the church hosts events of all kinds throughout the year. I'm not going to the Girls Night that goes to see High School Musical because I wouldn't make it fun. I'm not into it. Should I still go because they tell me it doesn't matter? No. Because I don't get it. I just don't get it. And I never will. So I'm not going to go and ruin their fun, when they all do get it and--without a wet blanket along for the ride--they'll have a giddy, great time.

It's like Cloris Leechman on Dancing with the Stars. Or Sanjaya on American Idol. You've made a valiant effort. People love that you're trying but fact: you can't do it. The show is about DANCING/SINGING. Know when to say goodbye. Or in this case, if you really want to come along for the social aspect--great! Just save your team the agony by recognizing your limitations: keep the score.