Hovercraft

Public restrooms are not enjoyable places. No one really wants to go in there. And no one really wants to spend any time in there once they've made the commitment to enter.

So today, I would like to address the people of the Hovercraft. Or rather, those who think they are masters of the craft known as "hovering."

Don't deny it. Even if you haven't honed your craft, you've tried it. Remember that unsavory "restroom" at the fair? Well, I would even condone the behavior there--that place is just icky in the first place, but let's talk about using the hovering in all other aspects of life.

Note: You are not saving yourself from a debilitating disease by resisting the urge to sit that booty down fully on the porcelain. Fact: not many perilous illnesses or even the dreaded yuckies are inflicted from placing your thighs where another's once rested. (Really, how many of us have contagious illness plastered to our thighs?) I'm pretty sure the thing you are afraid of, oh Hover-er, is a) putting your butt where someone else's has been (which isn't what happens, if you think of what actually sits on the toilet), and/or b) sitting on someone else's urine/feces.

Well, that is just gross, let's be honest. But here's the thing: my sister told me, quite proudly, that she was the Master of the Hover and therefore, public potties were not her concern. But my thinking is: if you didn't hover in the first place--thereby missing your target while focusing on keeping your quads from burning just inches above the rim--there would be much less messy residue for the rest of us to clean up/avoid when you are through!

And so, I say let's unite and stop this unproductive hovering once and for all! Ban the craft and start a new trend: using public toilets as we would use our own or those of our friends. Would you hover at a friends' house? Not likely. Would you leave pee on the seat there? Not likely. So stop doing it in the airports and theaters of our lives! Please? Pretty please? I just want to get in, get out, and get back to whatever event took me to a public restroom in the first place. Please stop making me wait in line for an hour, only to finally get the the stall just left by the "Master Hoverer."